Jokes

LITTLE JOHNNY THE SERIES
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ANYBODY THERE?

A Salesman is trying to call a client.

The phone rings and the house’ little boy, named Little Johnny, in a whisper, says, "Hello."
Salesman: "Is your mommy there?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes."
Salesman: "Can I speak with her?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "She's busy."
Salesman: "Is your daddy there?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes."
Salesman: "Can I speak with him?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "He's busy."
Salesman: "Is there anyone else there?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "The fire department."
Salesman: "Can I talk to one of them?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy."
Salesman: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "The police department."
Salesman: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy."
Salesman: "Let me get this straight: your mother, your father, the fire department and the police department are ALL in your house and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're looking for me."
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AUNT TESS

Little Johnny said to his Aunt Tess, "My God, you're ugly, aren't you?"
His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.
"You naughty boy!" she screamed, "How can you say to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you're sorry!"

Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're so ugly."
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ANATOMY

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?"
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question.
His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny? Those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"
His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, "OH GOD,
I'M COMING!"
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BATHROOM INSTRUCTION

The teacher of a first grade class gives instructions to the little boys on how to go to the bathroom. The teacher tells them the following:
“One - unzip your zipper. Two -pull your pecker out. Three - stroke the skin back. Four - take a pee. Five - stroke the skin forward. Six - put it away and zip up the zipper.”

So the boys go to do their thing and return a few minutes later.
The teacher asks, "Where is Little Johnny?"
One of the boys replies "He is still in the bathroom."
The teacher goes down the hall to the boy's restroom and hears
Little Johnny...

"Three, Five, Three, Five, Three, Five............"
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BETTER GRADES

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
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BIG AND DUMBER

A couple with their young son, Little Johnny, decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while Little Johnny played in the water. After a while Little Johnny came up to his mother and said, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So Little Johnny went back to play. Minutes later he returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's. The mother said the same thing, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So the boy went back to play. Several minutes later Little Johnny ran back to his mother and said, "Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more daddy talked, the DUMBER he got!"
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CHILDREN OF THE EARTH

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period:
"Mr. Goldblatt,” announced little Johnny, "there's somethin' I can't figure out."
"What's that Johnny?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
“The children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Johnny. "What wuz all the GROWN-UPS doin?"
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CHRISTMAS GIFT

Christmas was coming up, and Little Johnny's parents asked him what he wanted. Little Johnny said "I want a fuckin' baseball." His parents are shocked at his language, and send him to his room.
Next day, his parents ask him what he wants, and he says "I want a
fuckin' toy truck." This keeps up as Christmas nears.
On Christmas, his parents are fed up with him, and instead of gifts, they put piles of shit under the tree, one for every time he cussed.
Johnny gets up, finds the shit, and looks all over for anything else, but can't find anything. His friend calls him up, and asks him what he got, and he says, "I
haven't been able to find it yet, but I think I got a fuckin' puppy."
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KICKING THE CHICKENS

Little Johnny was playing in the farm yard one morning. The chickens were out running around and getting in Little Johnny's way. In a temper tantrum he started running after them and kicking them. His mother caught him kicking the chickens, and said, "That's it! No eggs for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny was playing in the pasture, and soon started chasing the cattle and kicking them with his feet. His mother again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No milk for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner in the kitchen when his father came in from the barn. As he closed the door the barnyard cat slipped into the kitchen. Johnny's father gave the cat a kick back outside.
Little Johnny looked at his mother and said "Are you going to tell him, Mommy, or do you want me to?"
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DANCING

Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex. "What are you doing?" Johnny asks.
"Uh, well, we're dancing." replies his mother.
"What's daddy doing?”
“He's my partner... now run along!"
A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sister's room and catches her having sex with her boyfriend. "What are you doing?”
"Ummm, dancing."
"What's your boyfriend doing?"
"He's my partner... now get out of here!"
Then. Thanksgiving came around and Johnny's relatives were at his house. Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat.
"What are you doing?" Johnny once again asks.
"Why I'm dancing," said his grandfather.
"Well, where is your partner?"
His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long as I have, you don't need a partner."
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DARK SECRETS

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, Little Johnny is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. Little Johnny greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says "Then come give your real father a big hug."
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DOGS ARE LIKE PEOPLE

Little Johnny was out with his grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, grandma?" asked little Johnny.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she replied, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they grandma?" said little Johnny.
"How do you mean?" asked grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said little Johnny, "and they fuck you every time!"

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FAMOUS WORDS

In history class one day, a pop quiz was given by the teacher. "I'll give you a famous saying and you tell me who said it, and what year. First question, ‘Give me liberty or give me death.’ Who said that?"
A few kids put their hands up and she calls on Kiko, the Japanese exchange student. "That was Patrick Henry in 1775." he says.
"Very good," says the teacher. “Next is ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country’"
This time Kiko is the only one to put up hand. "That was JFK from his 1962 inaugural speech." he says.
"Very good," says the teacher. "But I'm ashamed of the rest of you. Here's a
foreign exchange student that knows more about our history than you do!"
A voice from the back of the room whispers "Fucking Japs!"
Immediately, the teacher asks "Who said that?"
Little Johnny jumps up and says "Douglas McArthur 1945!!!"
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I NEED A MAN

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his
bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "OOOhh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

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The End