Jokes

EVER WONDER...

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: . You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one:
On a Swedish chain saw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so GOD decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."

No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

“Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and started cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.As I was lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I saw that crazy guy pushed his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it fell directly on top of me and killed me!"

The angel was quietly laughing to himself as the man finished his story."I could get used to this new policy," he thought. "Very well," the angel announced. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven", and he let the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate."Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.

"OK. Picture this," said the man. "I was naked inside a refrigerator..."

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

"No,” She said.

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico, they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!!

Five minutes later during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

LITTLE JOHNNY THE SERIES
______________________________________

ANYBODY THERE?

A Salesman is trying to call a client.

The phone rings and the house’ little boy, named Little Johnny, in a whisper, says, "Hello."
Salesman: "Is your mommy there?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes."
Salesman: "Can I speak with her?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "She's busy."
Salesman: "Is your daddy there?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes."
Salesman: "Can I speak with him?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "He's busy."
Salesman: "Is there anyone else there?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "The fire department."
Salesman: "Can I talk to one of them?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy."
Salesman: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "The police department."
Salesman: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy."
Salesman: "Let me get this straight: your mother, your father, the fire department and the police department are ALL in your house and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're looking for me."
_______________________________

AUNT TESS

Little Johnny said to his Aunt Tess, "My God, you're ugly, aren't you?"
His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.
"You naughty boy!" she screamed, "How can you say to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you're sorry!"

Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're so ugly."
_______________________________

ANATOMY

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?"
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question.
His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny? Those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"
His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, "OH GOD,
I'M COMING!"
_______________________________

BATHROOM INSTRUCTION

The teacher of a first grade class gives instructions to the little boys on how to go to the bathroom. The teacher tells them the following:
“One - unzip your zipper. Two -pull your pecker out. Three - stroke the skin back. Four - take a pee. Five - stroke the skin forward. Six - put it away and zip up the zipper.”

So the boys go to do their thing and return a few minutes later.
The teacher asks, "Where is Little Johnny?"
One of the boys replies "He is still in the bathroom."
The teacher goes down the hall to the boy's restroom and hears
Little Johnny...

"Three, Five, Three, Five, Three, Five............"
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BETTER GRADES

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
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BIG AND DUMBER

A couple with their young son, Little Johnny, decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while Little Johnny played in the water. After a while Little Johnny came up to his mother and said, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So Little Johnny went back to play. Minutes later he returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's. The mother said the same thing, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So the boy went back to play. Several minutes later Little Johnny ran back to his mother and said, "Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more daddy talked, the DUMBER he got!"
_________________________________


CHILDREN OF THE EARTH

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period:
"Mr. Goldblatt,” announced little Johnny, "there's somethin' I can't figure out."
"What's that Johnny?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
“The children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Johnny. "What wuz all the GROWN-UPS doin?"
___________________________________

CHRISTMAS GIFT

Christmas was coming up, and Little Johnny's parents asked him what he wanted. Little Johnny said "I want a fuckin' baseball." His parents are shocked at his language, and send him to his room.
Next day, his parents ask him what he wants, and he says "I want a
fuckin' toy truck." This keeps up as Christmas nears.
On Christmas, his parents are fed up with him, and instead of gifts, they put piles of shit under the tree, one for every time he cussed.
Johnny gets up, finds the shit, and looks all over for anything else, but can't find anything. His friend calls him up, and asks him what he got, and he says, "I
haven't been able to find it yet, but I think I got a fuckin' puppy."
___________________________________


KICKING THE CHICKENS

Little Johnny was playing in the farm yard one morning. The chickens were out running around and getting in Little Johnny's way. In a temper tantrum he started running after them and kicking them. His mother caught him kicking the chickens, and said, "That's it! No eggs for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny was playing in the pasture, and soon started chasing the cattle and kicking them with his feet. His mother again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No milk for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner in the kitchen when his father came in from the barn. As he closed the door the barnyard cat slipped into the kitchen. Johnny's father gave the cat a kick back outside.
Little Johnny looked at his mother and said "Are you going to tell him, Mommy, or do you want me to?"
__________________________________


DANCING

Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex. "What are you doing?" Johnny asks.
"Uh, well, we're dancing." replies his mother.
"What's daddy doing?”
“He's my partner... now run along!"
A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sister's room and catches her having sex with her boyfriend. "What are you doing?”
"Ummm, dancing."
"What's your boyfriend doing?"
"He's my partner... now get out of here!"
Then. Thanksgiving came around and Johnny's relatives were at his house. Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat.
"What are you doing?" Johnny once again asks.
"Why I'm dancing," said his grandfather.
"Well, where is your partner?"
His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long as I have, you don't need a partner."
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DARK SECRETS

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, Little Johnny is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. Little Johnny greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says "Then come give your real father a big hug."
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DOGS ARE LIKE PEOPLE

Little Johnny was out with his grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, grandma?" asked little Johnny.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she replied, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they grandma?" said little Johnny.
"How do you mean?" asked grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said little Johnny, "and they fuck you every time!"

___________________________________

FAMOUS WORDS

In history class one day, a pop quiz was given by the teacher. "I'll give you a famous saying and you tell me who said it, and what year. First question, ‘Give me liberty or give me death.’ Who said that?"
A few kids put their hands up and she calls on Kiko, the Japanese exchange student. "That was Patrick Henry in 1775." he says.
"Very good," says the teacher. “Next is ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country’"
This time Kiko is the only one to put up hand. "That was JFK from his 1962 inaugural speech." he says.
"Very good," says the teacher. "But I'm ashamed of the rest of you. Here's a
foreign exchange student that knows more about our history than you do!"
A voice from the back of the room whispers "Fucking Japs!"
Immediately, the teacher asks "Who said that?"
Little Johnny jumps up and says "Douglas McArthur 1945!!!"
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I NEED A MAN

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his
bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "OOOhh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

___________________________________


The End

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Everyday they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day, the boy noticed that the girl’s sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She replied "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he said.

She pointed to her lap and said "coz I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

“Let me see" the boy said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right! You better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches too. I'm also starting to get feathers down there."

She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her.

To the girl’s surprise, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and gizzard!"

On the first day God created the dog.
God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey.
God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow.
God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man.
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Subject: Who/what Am I!

Let's forget for a while the present political turbulence in our country. Relax and guess each puzzle here!!! Those who get 100% correct answers can join the Truth Commission. No cheating please! You can find the answers at the end. Ready?

1. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. 8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.
9. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.
11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.
14. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush.




The answers (unless you're thinking something else):

1. chewing gum
2. peanut butter
3. crane
4. Titanic
5. tent
6. dentist
7. wedding ring
8. elevator
9. nose
10. newspaper boy
11. glove
12. arrow
13. attorney
14. bird

R U GOOD IN SCRABBLE? TRY TO BEAT THIS ONE !!! This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is “die-hard” at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:When you rearrange the letters:MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:When you rearrange the letters:THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:When you rearrange the letters:LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS! "Chances favor the prepared mind"